Lover to an Addict

The tension makes my handshake and the thought of you kissing another’s face creates this window of hate. 

This feeling is all too familiar. 

What has the world done to me? 

My conclusions always seem to be that you will leave me for another and abandon me, just like others before you have done time and time before. 

My whole body was shaking.

I was so nervous; afraid. 

Why wouldn’t you answer your phone?

Little did I know that the other would be a thing.

 The thought of you filling your body with poison makes me so sad and furious. 

What has the world done to you? 

You feel happiest when you’re able to leave your body but you don’t realize what a nervous wreck you turn into. 

You’re a different person.

 You lied to me and I dare not mention this to you because it doesn’t matter. 

My feelings never matter or is it because I feel them so much that I can’t express them to where you will actually understand?

It hurts.

I want to be embraced with comforting words. I want to be acknowledged. I want your attention.

My love for you is strong which is why I’m hanging on for dear life. 

But.. I feel no different than before when my lovers left me for someone else.

Yes, you are faithful. Yes, you come home to me. Yes, you tell me things when I ask the right questions. Yes, you tell me that you love me. 

But the feeling of loneliness never leaves my body

 My feelings don’t matter.

You said it yourself last night, when you were most vulnerable. 

And it hurt. 

But I dared not cry in front of you because I’m done with that.

 You’re leaving tomorrow. 

On your trip, I hope you realize that you like my affections and that I don’t love you too much and that I shouldn’t turn it down a notch. 

People in my past would have killed for me to give them everything that I’m giving you and to put up with everything that I put up with you.

 I left them at the first sign of trouble yet, ignored all of your red flags.

I loved you anyway.

 I don’t regret a second of it. 

I just wish you would stop poisoning yourself. 

I liked it best when you wanted to start a family; I could see and feel how much you loved me.

It seems you don’t care anymore.

You asked me last night if you have changed. 

You have. 

I said you were more distant and it’s true.

 Then you continued to blame it on me.

That doesn’t surprise me. 

 It’s always my fault. 

I just wanted to be your compass and help you find a way to stay clean. 

Instead I’m laying in bed alone writing this while you’re in the garage getting high.