The Anxiety of Renegade 

I called you without thinking just to hear your voice. It soothed me like that feeling you get when you first dip your toe into a warm bath. When my whole body felt the warmth of the tub, the water began to overflow. I tried to get out but the more I struggled, the more I slipped in; drowning me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see as the tears covered my entire brown eyes. I could see your silhouette dressed as a prince in Knight armor through the blurriness of my tears as you reached out to me, you tried to save me but the water was too deep. You apologized and got angry. I couldnt get out, i couldnt stop talking, i couldnt breathe or think or see and so you grabbed my head and held it underneath the water to save me from my misery. Then you hung up.

I was left alone on my bed filled with sorrows, pain, and memories of you. I called my mom just to hear her voice to soothe me like a warm blanket on a cold winter day. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe…my only thought was of you. She ran to my room knowing something was wrong and saw as I was struggling to breathe…she saw me drowning in my own pool of tears..she saw me drowning in what could have been…she saw me drowning in the thoughts of you..she saw me drowning In nothing more but my traitorous thoughts. So she held me so tight…so tight..so tight. My mom held me, her broken hearted little girl, as if i was a child  and she began to pray. She prayed so hard and so loud that i couldnt hear my thoughts anymore.. Memories of you slowly started to fade..the thought of your renegade slowly began to disappear. Memories of my childhood began to arise as her love filled my soul and body. She rubbed my back as I recooperated.. she kissed my head as I told her that she saved me from the thoughts of not wanting to be in this defective world anymore. She held me tighter as her heartbroke along with mine. She comforted me in a way that only a mother could comfort. I was able to breathe, I was able to see, and I was able to think of something that wasn’t you and your deceit. 

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