My Love for your Neglect 

You told me you loved Faith, the first time that you left me…it took two weeks before you called me and told me that you loved me and you wanted me to move in with you. You told me you loved Stormie as we were driving down a dark country road on our way home from your friends house..You spoke to her daily and my heart shattered again in fear that you loved her more than me, but You chose me and I smiled at that fact. You chose me and i smiled that you told everyone that one day you would marry me. You told me you loved Traci as we were laying in bed one night and that you have always loved her for the past 10 years and that she is the one that fills those voids inside of you..and that’s why you were leaving me for the second time…after 2 years..in order to reform your family with her. 

You told me I had to love myself in order to be happy. You told me it wasn’t up to you how I felt inside,  how I felt about life, about my imagine, about my sexuality, about our relationship. You told me it was me that drove you away with my depression and insecurities. Yet, you had all the power to make it all go away: If only You would have told me that I was beautiful once in a while, if only You would have touched me without making me feel like some kind of insect that crawled on your leg in the middle of the night while You were dreaming of her, if only you would have fucked me without making me feel as i was raping the man that i loved, if only you would have fucked me and made sure that i was satisfied, if only you would have came home and talked to me and told me about your day without me having to drill you for a coversation, if only you would have understood that even when you were next to me i was so lonely, if only you held me close and told me everything would be alright those nights my depression were unbearable, if only you wouldnt have left me crying there alone, next to you, without doing a thing,  if only you wouldnt have told me you enjoyed being apart from me, if only you wouldnt have said i suffocated you with my presence even when i only saw you for 2 hours a day, if only you wouldnt have told me that the simple comfort i asked of you was too much for you to handle, if only you wouldnt have told me i made you want to kill yourself because I was asking too much from you. 

You told me I shouldn’t have to change in order to make you happy yet, I lost myself in order to have you stay with me. I lost myself in fear that one day you will find someone that fills up all your voids. I lost myself hoping that I was making you happy. I lost myself in a lie that things were working out in between us. I lost myself trying to hide how much pain I felt inside. I lost myself not wanting to do anything without you. I lost myself wanting to spend every dying moment with you, my love. I lost myself in every rejection you ever gave me, I lost myself in every deceit I noticed but said nothing about. I lost myself wanting to be your anchor…i lost myself as I felt you float away. 

You told me I needed to love myself in order to be happy; in order to fill this void I have inside and you may be right.. if i loved myself i wouldnt have beared the way you negected me…but darling..my love.. listen to your own words and love yourself as well..

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